Indecision

I’ve been offered a job in Belize.  It’s a great opportunity, and while the pay is a little lower than my salary now, it is tax-free which means it basically evens out.  My bosses here have gone to bat, but the best they can offer me is a slight raise with a good possibility that I will go back to school and my PhD will be paid for.  We tried for this a year ago, but the program was in transition and the higher ups ignored us.  My boss basically told me that he wants me to replace him when I graduate.  A year ago I would have been ecstatic, and this is definitely an opportunity others would kill for.  But…

The Belize offer is something Simon and I have talked about for years now. Working in a developing country and actually doing something that has meaning.  Except that SImon wouldn’t go. He’d visit for a few weeks or a month at a time, but he’d have to go back to observing (something he wants to do anyhow) so for the most part I would be in a foreign country by myself.

I literally cannot make this decision.

I waiver back and forth every five minutes, and the pro and con list is exactly the same length for each choice.  I could get stuck here and hate it.  I could go there and either hate it, or the money runs out and I’m stuck.  We’d have to rent the house, figure out what to do with the cats and the tortoise.  Or I stay and plant my garden and snuggle with my kitties and my husband.  We have money to travel, but no time.  I go after a dream or I stay for the money.  Don’t get me started on the guilt aspect.

The easy choice is to stay. The hard choice is to go.  Why is this so hard?

Cups

Simon is out of town for work this week, so I’m watching ALL of the movies and TV shows he doesn’t like or that I’m selfishly telling myself he won’t like.  I finally got around to renting Pitch Perfect last night, and thoroughly enjoyed it.  You know how there are some things you can only enjoy when you’re alone and therefore can cry/laugh/snort un-self consciously?  It was kind of like that (along with weekend long binges of Friday Night Lights with a sprinkling of Justified).  Anyhow, I was looking up some of the music from the movie, and this was one of my favorite tracks they covered.

Office mates

Sometime in the near future, my work group is supposed to be moving into a new office trailer.  Well, office modular unit to be more accurate.  I’m actually pretty excited because it will mean that I will, for the first time ever, have my own office.  With a door.  And a lock.

I currently have 2 office mates, both of whom are just about the best people ever for sharing a 20×10 space with.  One is a bit of a neat freak (she probably hates me) and is really funny when you’re least expecting it, and the other is my Chinese daily affirmation coach.  Not really, he’s a Ph.D mathematician named Xinsheng, but you can call him Dr. X.  Among the things I will miss about having Xinsheng (shin shing! say it really fast) in my office are his random phone calls with other, I’m assuming, Chinese scientists.  These are completely indecipherable, except for the random English words that pop up, like “jellyfish assessment” and “chlorophyll.”  Despite being in the US for 20 years, he still has a very thick accent and can be really difficult to understand at times.  He and my Spanish boss have had some amusing conversations; yesterday Dr. X kept shouting a word at my boss while making “air quotes,” and my boss just kept shouting random sounds at him until finally realizing he was saying “factor.”  That took about 20 seconds.

Dr. X is also constantly telling me how important I am, what good work I do, how I need to negotiate for a raise, and how great it is that I spend so much time mentoring our interns: hence the affirmation coach.  But the main thing I will miss about him is this.  About twice a week, after silently squinting at his computer screen for hours, he will suddenly pop upright and exclaim “Jesus Uhcoriiiiisht!”